Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Can't Help But Feel Disappointed

It was a stressful day with worries, unexpected reactions and disappointments.

My day started off with me helping out my mum in her resume but as I was about to email it back to her, a thought came to my mind. Recently she has been pushing me to work in a bank and all along I had certain plans in my mind but I wasn't sure how to say it to them. Somehow the feeling of uncertainty and that difference in thinking withdrew me from voicing out my thoughts. I knew I had to face it one day, hence I decided to do it out on an email. Boy was it hell of a long email but at least I had my thoughts spoken out to my parents. Hopefully I could have their support and that will make me feel very happy already.

Surprisingly my mum was quite supportive of it and somehow it relieve me alittle while I was on my way to the Post Office. In my entire bus trip, my mind was full of thoughts on how I could go about discussing it with Joe. We have very difference perceptions and often ended up with debates of our opinions. When I thought a positive news in my plan would make him jumping with joy, I was wrong...

As predicted, we had a debate in less than 1 minute into my supposed 'talk' with him about my plans. He was all pessimistic (as usual) and had very different views on what I think I should do. The stubborness instilled in him did not help in the situation or in fact in any situations. I had no choice but to give up telling him about my plans half way through the debate. Don't u feel disappointed when u want to share a news whether happy or sad with someone close to u but it always end up being more tiring than keeping it to yourself. At times I don't blame myself for keeping my problems to myself cos when I can't even confide in him with an open listening ear, who else could I even talk to?

I tried to let it past and hopefully during dinner I could bring up the plans again. A second attempt was carried out and it became a slight debate but wasn't as bad as before. Unfortunately it did not last long before he made me feel so down and the happy news just could not come out of my mouth. It is that sense of disappointment that at times I couldn't take it when it had to be heard from someone I love.

As I thought matters could not get any worse, a second disappointment came rushing down on me. The sudden thought of my graduation next month worried me as he had to embark on a new career just 12 days before the big day. I have waited for close to a yr and the next disappointment would be his absence in an event that is so important to me.

Half of me know that there maybe a possibility that he will not be around to see me get my cert but what surprised me was even though I had mention to him about this earlier, it did not occur to him that it was something important for him to think about. It was only during dinner that he suddenly realise the clash in dates and the first thing he said was he couldn't be there. Even before he tried to think of ways to be able to attend, he rejected at a split second of me mentioning it.

I could feel a sudden pain in me that made me had a thought, "Is that not a prority in your mind?". He just kept telling me he will not be able to attend and the company will never let him go cos he had to go overseas for training. Its 4 months and I was hoping he could spare me one day to attend... even if he couldn't I know he has tried. But before trying, he simply said no. My final word to him after that was, "... but u didn't even try and ur saying no ...". I simply was so hurt, I could feel my tears about to explode from my eyes that I had to keep my face down looking at the floor. I can't just erupt in a coffee shop with his mum and her friends there right?! It was like a torture and I was just dumbfounded after that. Usually it just takes 30mins to an hour for me to cool down but throughout the night I just couldn't speak to him. The minute I feel like saying something to him, the feeling was back. Even though after that he kept thinking of ways to get round it, somehow it felt like it was too late. I wasn't able to let go of that intense sadness.

Usually when he had a problem and didn't know what to do, I will always find a way to help him. Even as he ask him time and again what is the best solution, silence filled the air. Don't really know why but I just felt very sad and only when I'm extremely dejected then I will fall into a prolong period of silence.

Just when you think I'm all silent that's when I'm at my lowest ... ...

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